My favourite scenes from FRIENDS... and Chandler ROCKS !!
[Ross has just slept with another woman after breaking up with Rachel]
Chandler: You slept with another woman within 3 hrs after breaking up with Rachel ?? Come on... Bullets have left guns slower.
[Joey drilling into a wall, when on the opposite side Chandler is there. Chandler comes out furious from the room]
Joey (embarassed): Oh I am sorry. Did I get you ?
Chandler: No you didnt get me. Its an electric drill. You get me... you KILL me
[in the hotel]
Waiter: Anything else sir?
Chandler: How bout a version of "Killing Me Softly"?.....(laughs... then his face changes when he realises its not nice to mess up with the waiter...) You´re gonna spit in my plate, aren´t you?
[Joey comes out from his room wearing ridiculous clothes. He has to look nineteen for an audition]
Joey: 'Sup? 'Sup, dude?
Chandler: [putting his hands up] Take whatever you want, just please don't hurt me.
Joey: So, you're playing a little Playstation, huh? That's whack. Playstation is whack. 'Sup with the whack Playstation, 'sup? Huh? Come on, am I nineteen or what?
Chandler: Yes, on a scale from one to ten, ten being the dumbest a person can look, you are definitely nineteen.
[flipping a coin to decide which one out of two babies - one wearing a shirt with ducks and the other having clowns - was Ross's baby. They have to decide which side to assign to the duck and which one to clowns]
Chandler: we have to assign heads to something
Joey: Ok Ok ducks is heads 'cause ducks have heads
Chandler: what kind of scary ass clowns came to your birthday ??!!!
[When he has to phone his girlfriend back but he gets her machine(which he hates)]
Chandler:I got her machine(puts the phone down)
Joey: Her voice machine?
Chandler: No actually it was her leaf-blower that picked up. (mocking Joey)
Ross: You guys won't believe what I have to do for work today!
Chandler: Yes, but Ross you chose a career of talking about dinosaurs.
[In response to a stupid comment]
Chandler: You have to stop the Q-Tip when there's resistance.
[Ross get annoyed by a date who doesnt keep her place neat]
Ross: You know how at the end of the day, you throw your jacket over a chair?
Joey: Yeah?
Ross: Well at her place, instead of a jacket, it's a pile of garbage. And instead of a chair, it's a pile of garbage. And instead of the end of the day, it's the end of time, and garbage is all that has survived.
Chandler: Oh, yeah, I'm a gym member. I try to go four times a week, but I've missed the last... twelve hundred times.
[Pheobe says she wasnt to fly a jet]
Chandler: Pheebs? Flying a jet? Better make it a spaceship so that you can get back to your home planet!
[Monica's high school friend Will (Brad Pitt) turns up for thanksgiving]
Monica: This is my husband Chandler. Chandler, this is Will.
Chandler: Hey, I'd shake your hand but I'm into the game (Chandler is watching a game), plus I think it would be better for my ego if we didn't stand right next to each other.
Joanna: What are you doing?
Chandler: I'm getting dressed.
Joanna: Why?
Chandler: When I walk outside naked, people throw garbage at me
[pointing to a monkey(Marcel) sitting on Ross's shoulder]
Chandler: Hey, that monkey's got a Ross on his ass!
[everyone else walks in when Ross is kissing Julie (the Chinese girlfriend)]
[Ross and Julie suddenly stops kissing]
Chandler: Julie, You had a 'palenatologist' on your face. Never mind. Its gone now
Ross: I figured after work, I'd pick up a bottle of wine, go over there, and try to... woo her. Chandler: Hey, you know what you should do? Take her back to the 1800's when that phrase was last used.
[Playing Football]
Monica: Okay, Phoebs, you know what you're doing right?
Phoebe: Yeah.
Monica: Okay, Joey's gonna catch the ball and you and I are gonna block.
Phoebe: What's block?
Monica: Phoebe, I thought you said you knew what you're doing.
Phoebe: I thought you meant in life.
Ross: What are you doing tonight?
Chandler: Why?? Do you have a lecture?
Ross: No.
Chandler (Instantly): Free as a bird, what's up?
Monica: What you guys don't understand is, for us, kissing is as important as any part of it.
Joey: Yeah, right!... Y'serious?
Phoebe: Oh, yeah!
Rachel: Everything you need to know is in that first kiss.
Monica: Absolutely.
Chandler: Yeah, I think for us, kissing is pretty much like an opening act, y'know? I mean it's like the stand-up comedian you have to sit through before Pink Floyd comes out.
Ross: Yeah, and-and it's not that we don't like the comedian, it's that-that... that's not why we bought the ticket.
Chandler: The problem is, though, after the concert's over, no matter how great the show was, you girls are always looking for the comedian again, y'know? I mean, we're in the car, we're fighting traffic... basically just trying to stay awake.
Rachel: Yeah, well, word of advice: Bring back the comedian. Otherwise next time you're gonna find yourself sitting at home, listening to that album alone.
Joey: [pause] ... Are we still talking about sex?
[in Barbados, Rachel runs into Monica and Chandler's room in the morning and opens the curtains, it has been raining a lot]
Monica: The sun is out!
Chandler: [squinting in pain] Hey, remember when I had corneas?
Joey Tribbiani: [upon hearing Ross doesn't want to go to the movies with him] Come on, man! Tom Hanks! Meg Ryan! They get mail!
Chandler: I can handle this. "Handle" is my middle name. Actually, "handle" is the middle of my first name.
Chandler: [to Joey who's removing his tie] Would you put that back on? Monica's gonna be here any minute.
Joey: But it hurts my Joey's Apple.
Chandler: [frustrated] Okay, for the last time. It's not named for each individual man.
Rachel: Guess what? Barry and Mindy are getting a divorce.
Joey: [looking at Ross] What is the matter with you?
Monica: No. Barry and Mindy.
Joey: Oh, sorry, I hear "divorce" and I automatically go to Ross.
Joey: Just tell him Joey says Hello. He'll know what it means.
Chandler: Gee, I don't know. Do you think he'll be able to crack your code?
[Monica looks fat in an old home movie]
Monica: The camera adds ten pounds.
Chandler: So how many cameras are actually on you?
Joey: Ross, if homo sapiens actually were *homo* sapiens, is that why they're exctinct?
Ross: Joey, they are people.
Joey: Hey, I'm not judging.
[Ross keeps whining about his divorce(Carol). Chandler is trying to cheer him up]
Chandler: Look, Ross, you gotta understand, between us we haven't had a relationship that has lasted longer than a Mento. You, however have had the love of a woman for four years. Four years of closeness and sharing at the end of which she ripped your heart out, and that is why we don't do it. And.... I don't think that was my point.
Joey: Hey, I got something for you.
Chandler: What's this?
Joey: Eight hundred and twelve bucks.
Chandler: Well, I don't know what Big Leon told you but it's an even thousand if you want me for the whole night.
Susie: How come all I can think about is putting that ice in my mouth and licking you all over?
Chandler: Because I went to an all-boys high school and God is making up for it.
Joey: Pheebs, you wanna help?
Phoebe: Oh, I wish I could, but I really don't want to.
Phoebe: She's dead.
Frank Buffay: Are you sure?
Phoebe: Well, if she isn't, cremating her was a big mistake.
Chandler: You tried to save a sandwich from a bullet?
Joey: I know this doesn't make much sense...
Chandler: MUCH sense?
Chandler: I got her machine.
Joey: Her answering machine?
Chandler: No. Interestingly enough, her leaf blower picked up.
Will: God, we were lame back then. Remember how into dinosaurs we were?
[to Ross] Will: So what do you do now?
Rachel: [walking out of the bathroom] Mon, I'm gonna to check my messages.
Chandler: And you thought of that in there?
Monica: Well, nature called and she wanted to see who else did.
[to Ross]
Chandler: You know if your not careful, you could not get married at all this year.
[advising Ross about Rachel]
Joey: You waited too long and now you're in "The Friend Zone".
Ross: I am not in the friend zone.
Joey: Ross.. You are the mayor of the zone
Monica: Hey. Where's Joey?
Chandler: Joey ate my last stick of gum, so I killed him. Do you think that was wrong?
Chandler: [entering from bathroom, with an issue of Cosmo] All right, I took the quiz, and it turns out, I do put career before men.
Joey: But I-I-I can't stay too long, I gotta get up early for a commercial audition tomorrow and I gotta look good. I'm supposed to be playing a 19-year-old.
[Everyone stops in their tracks upon hearing this]
Chandler: So when you said, "Get up early, " did you mean 1986?
Joey: [drinking a beer on the boat] Look at this clown. Just because he's got a bigger boat he thinks he can take up the whole river. [yelling]
Joey: Get out of the way jackass. [to Rachel]
Joey: Who names his boat Coast Guard anyway?
Rachel: That is the Coast Guard.
Joey: You're mean on the boat.
Rachel: What? I was just trying to teach you.
Joey: Well, lesson learned. Rachel is mean.
Ross: Yeeeeeep... Yep-yep-yep-yep-yep. I remember when she took me out on her dad's boat she wouldn't let me help at all.
Rachel: Excuse me, I wanted you to help, but you couldn't move your arms because you were wearing three life jackets.
Ross: You have to respect the sea.
[Joey asks Chanlder to take risks in life... like commitment to women. And he is driving his point]
Joey: Oh, yeah. Go for it man, jump off the high dive, stare down the barrel of the gun, pee into the wind.
Chandler: Yeah, Joey, I assure you if I'm staring down the barrel of a gun, I would be pretty much peeing every which way.
[Ross defends his fast eating habits]
Ross: I grew up in a house with Monica, okay. If you didn't eat fast, you didn't eat.
[Upon learning he must move far away and commute to work]
Ross: Why, it's like I've been given the gift of time.
Chandler: That's great. Last year I got the gift of space. (Chandler doesnt have a girlfriend) We should get together and make a continuum.
[asking about Chandlers third nipple]
Ross: So, does it do something special?
Chandler: Why yes Ross. Pressing my third nipple, it opens the delivery entrance to the magical land of Narnia.
Phoebe: My New Year's Resolution is to pilot a commercial jet plane.
Chandler: That's great Pheebs, now all you have to do is find a plane load of people who's resolution is to plummet to their deaths.
[Joey is trying to make Frank Jr. see sense]
Joey: Think about it... You're 18, she's 44. When you're 36, she's gonna be 88.
[Notice Joey doubles one age and assumes the other gets doubled by same amount of time]
Frank Buffay Jr.: You think I don't know that?
Chandler: Hey Joey, where do Dutch people come from?
Joey: Uh... well the Pennsylvania Dutch come from Pennsylvania.
Chandler: and the other Dutch come from somewhere near the Netherlands right?
Joey: Nice try, see the Netherlands is this make believe place where Peter Pan and Tinkerbell come from.
[they are attending a lesbian wedding]
Joey: All these women, and nothin'. I feel like superman without his powers.
Chandler: Now you know how I feel every single day. The world is my lesbian wedding.
[Monica asks about a CD he has recently bought (After they are married)]
Monica: Now come on, Chandler, the Miami Vice soundtrack? Really?
Chandler: They were just giving it away at the mall...
[Monica stares]
Chandler: ...in exchange for money.
[Chandler fell asleep, during Joey's movie. Its a world war movie. The credits roll, and Chandler wakes up]
Chandler: Great show. Good work, Joey.
Joey: You liked it?
Chandler: Liked it? I loved it.
Joey: What did you like best about it?
Chandler: I liked... everything the whole show.
Joey: What about the specifics?
Chandler: Specifics? Specifics were the best part.
Joey: What about the scene with the kangaroo?
Chandler: I... I was surprised to see a kangaroo in a World War I epic.
Joey: You fell asleep. There was no kangaroo. They didn't take any of my suggestions.
[Ross finds out Chandler M Bing is actually...]
Ross: Chandler Muriel Bing... Your parents never gave you a chance.
Monica: I think I'd be great in a war. I'd, like, get all the medals.
Chandler: Before or after you're executed by your own troops?
[Joey is starring in a World War I epic]
Chandler: Why are you wearing sunglasses?
Joey: Well, I figure if I wore them the guy wouldn't spit in my eyes so much when he talks.
Chandler: Yeah, and if I remember correctly, "Rayban" was the official sponsor of World War I.
Joey: Really? Great.
[Ross is walking down the aisle at Chandler and Monica's wedding]
Ross: Wow. This is the first time I've walked down the aisle without the possibility of it ending in divorce.
Phoebe: Look, I had a hard life. My mother was killed by a drug dealer.
Monica: Phoebe, your mom killed herself.
Phoebe: She was a drug dealer.
[Joey is posing as a doctor in order to get information about a patient that Phoebe likes]
Joey: Date of Birth ?
Patient: 17th Aug 1972
Joey: Age...?
Patient: Can't you work that out by my date of birth?
Joey: I'm a doctor, not a mathematician.
[Chandler getting fed up with Ross's whining of his ex-wife who turned out to be a lesbian]
Chandler: What? What? What is it? That she left you? That she likes women? That she left you for another woman that likes women?
Ross: A little louder, okay? I think there's a man on the twelfth floor - in a COMA - who didn't hear you.
Chandler: Do you know what's weird? Donald Duck never wear pants, but he's always in a towel when he gets out of the shower. Why?
[Ross and Pheobe arguing over if evolution was true]
Ross: Evolution is a reality. Its a fact.... like... like.. gravity
Pheobe: Well dont get me started on gravity....!!
Ross: You uh, you don't believe in gravity?
Phoebe: Well, it's not so much that you know, like I don't believe in it, you know, it's just... I don't know, lately I get the feeling that I'm not so much being pulled down as I am being pushed. [Knock at door]
Chandler: Uh-Oh. It's Isaac Newton, and he's pissed.
Rachel: Ok, Joey, we'll do it one more time. Don't forget the rules -heads I win, tails you lose.
Joey: Just flip the coin!
Chandler: And by the way, Count Rushmore doesn't exist.
Joey: Oh yeah? Then who's the guy who painted all the faces on the mountain?
[Chandler is afraid he's becoming like Mr. Heckles]
Chandler: We were both on the same track. Sure, my train is thirty years behind, but the stops are all the same - Bittertown, Aloneville, Hermit Junction.
Rachel: [looking sad after finding out Joey's girlfriend, Kristin was just a loner, not looking for a serious relationship, when Rachel and Phoebe wanted their realtionship to work] Well, I guess it wasn't Cupid that brought her here after all.
Phoebe: No, just another regular flying dwarf.
[Monica tells the others that she and Chandler won't have any more sex before the wedding. Ross is depserate for a relationship and he has been screwing up every date]
Ross: A no sex pact! I have one of those with every woman in America!
[Phoebe complains about a bank's mistake of crediting her extra money]
Phoebe: ...And I found 500 extra bucks in my account.
Chandler: Ohhh, Satan's minions at work again!
Joey: [after talking about Chandler being picky with girls] Chandler, I understand you. I mean, this one time, I went out with this girl, she had the biggest Adam's apple!
Phoebe: [Rachel has lied to her father about her upcoming marriage to Ross] I'd like to attend your imaginary wedding; but I'm really busy that day. I have a unicorn baptism and a leprechaun Bar Mitzvah.
Kathy: I can cut your hair. I learned it from my aunts pet grooming shop.
Chandler: Ok but dont make my tail too poofy.
Kathy: You have very nice hair
Chandler: Thanks. I grow it myself
Emily's fake BonVoyage party. Spin bottle game]
[Chandler spins the bottle. It points to him]
Chandler: Story of my life
[Chandler spins the bottle again. It points to Joshua]
Chandler: Story of my father's life !!
[Chandler is trying to quit smoking by using hypnosis.. it doesnt work out]
Phoebe: All right, you know forget hypnosis. The way to quit smoking is to dance naked in a field of heather, and then bathe in the sweat of six healthy young men.
Chandler: Or what my father calls Thursday night !!--
[Chandler and Ross returns after seeing Kathy's play.Chandler is all annoyed about the "touchy" scenes on the stage]
Chandler:Its like somebody wrote down my worst nightmare and charged me 30$ to see it !!
[Chandler hasnt slept with Kathy. His concern being the fact that her previous boyfriend was Joey.]
Chandler: You know her previous boyfriend was Joey
Ross: So you are afraid you might not be able to fillhis shoes
Chandler: No I am afraid I might not perform well in bed
Ross: You know I was going for the metaphor
Chandler: And I am saying the actual words.
Monica: Just because Joey had lots of girlfriends doesnt mean he is great in bed
Chandler: We share a wall, Monica. Either he is greatin bed or she just likes to agree with him a lot.. a lot all night through.
[When chandler returns from office he sees joey hard at work with huge planks. The room is almost filled with the planks and tools.]
Chandler: Did a forest tip you over ?
Joey: Remember how you always said we need a place tokeep the mail and all. So I thouhgt why not take it to the next level ?
Chandler: So you are building a post office ?
[Joey's stalker is coming over to his apartment. Chandler and Joey are frantically trying to hide somewhere.]
Joey: May be we can run down the stairs past her. She wont notice because we havent met yet.
Chandler: Thats how Radio stars escape stalkers.
[Monica gets hurt in the eye when taking something out of the freezer]
Rachel: Monica you should go to your doctor
Monica: I cant. My doctor is Richard. I cant go tohim when I donthave a boyfriend
Chandler: Wow !! he is realy picky about his patients
[Joey comes holding the girlish bag which Rachel has given him]
Chandler: Wow!! Mrs. Tribbiani.. you look just like your son
[Chandler and Joeys apartment just got robbed.]
Monica: "What happened ?!!"
Chandler: "Joey was born and 28 years later I got robbed"
[ The friends have gathered in their apartment.]
Ross: "What did the insurance company say ?"
Chandler: "Well.. they said.. you dont have insurance here.. so stop calling us"
Pheobes new boyfriend - who is cop - Chandler,Ross,Joey going for a ride - firing mishap - Joey sandwich aka Ross incident]
Chandler: "You tried to save the sandwich from a bullet"
Joey: "I know it doesnt make much sense"
Chandler: "MUCH sense ??!!"
[Phoebe is nervous about going to a dentist... because she believes every time she goes to the dentist someone dies][Phoebe returns from the dentist]Monica: Well.. Phoebe, did you see the dentist ?Phoebe: No I couldnt see himChandler: See.. thats the problem with invisible dentists. Its very unsettling to see the tools flying around on their own in the air.
